“In The Waiting” | Testimony 2023
“When we don’t know the why, we trust in the who.”
I wonder if you are in a season of asking why, whether in the waiting for what’s to come or in the wondering of what has been. Maybe you are asking why that prayer hasn’t been answered, why this valley never seems to end, why this life is filled with grief, loss, heartache and despair or simply why would God…
But the truth is, “when we don’t know the why, we trust in the who.”
As I share the story that God is writing in my life, I want you to know that we are still walking through the valley, after over two years of unexplained secondary infertility, we are still wondering and asking why, but now will full confidence and unwavering belief, when we don’t know the why, we can trust in the who, because of the goodness, grace and steadfast love of God that I have seen woven into every corner of my life.
Even in the darkest parts of the valley, when tears streamed down my face and I cried out to the Lord the lament of Psalm 13, “how long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?” As I pleaded with the Lord to “consider me and answer me” but in every moment, when I felt the loneliness, grief, heartache and despair gripping my heart, all along, he was right there.
I don’t know the season you are in nor the valley that you are walking through, I don’t know the story of the heartache or grief that you carrying, but what I do know is that God knows your story and I believe that this is his invitation, as he reaches out his nail-scarred hand to you. Because in every circumstance, season and valley that we walk through, God remains the same. For he is the same “yesterday, and today, and forever” and he is always faithful to his promises, true to his character and constant in his love for me and you.
“His steadfast love never ceases, his mercies never end, they are new every morning, great is his faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him” (Lamentations 3:22-24). And this hope we have is our confident expectation and blessed assurance in the promises of God, in spite of the valley, circumstance or season we are walking through.
In my story, God is still good, and in your story, God is still good too. In my story, God is still gracious, and in your story, God is still gracious too. In my story, God has continued to pour out his steadfast love into all the broken pieces of my soul, and in your story, God is seeking to pour out that same, incomprehensible, faithful love into every crack of your soul.
“For when the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all” (Psalm 34:17-19).
So let me tell you how I’ve seen this goodness, grace and steadfast love of God remain, that even when we didn’t know the why, we could still trust in the who.
When our son, Liam, turned a year old, we began praying that God would make make a way to grow our family and bless us with the gift of another child. With Liam, it only took a few months for us to get pregnant, so we never imagined all the waiting, wondering, heartache and despair that we would walk through.
At the beginning of this journey, just a few months into this waiting season, I remember driving home one day when God painted a vision in my mind that would become a constant reminder, drawing my heart back to trust in him through all the heartache that these years of waiting would bring.
There I was, standing on a hilltop, looking down over the darkest valley that lie in the canyon ahead. As I looked into the valley, all I could see were the steep cliffs on either side and a long, narrow path that led down into darkness. While the valley was covered in complete darkness, I remember a hue of golden light, far off in the distance, as I saw a tiny glimpse of the sun peeking through the valley on the other side. And as the enemies of fear, heartache and despair gripped my heart, knowing that the only way I could go was into that dark valley that lie ahead, but He was there. And in that vision, He looked back at me, with tears streaming down His face as He wept with our sorrow. He knew every ounce of my heartache and held every ounce of my grief. And then he reached out his nail-scarred hand, marked with his steadfast love for me, as he declared, “I am with you” and invited me to take hold.
And so the valley began.
This valley season has continued to take all sorts of twists and turns, facing new heartache, deeper despair and feeling the weight of darkness like I’ve never experienced before, but all along, he was there. With each passing month, as the reminder would could that yet again I was still not pregnant, he was there. In the hospital room, as the doctor performed procedures and tests, facing the weight of my heartache while trying to hold it all together, he was there. As friends all around me announced pregnancies, carried their precious babies all those months and delivered new life into the world, he was there. As I wept with the ache of emptiness, wondering if my arms would ever be filled with another sweet baby again, he was there. As we waited with hope for the those IUIs to work, staring at the pregnancy tests in anticipation for two pink lines show up, he was there. And then, as he called us to surrender, to step back from all the treatments, to take a break from the constant doctor visits, and as he called us to enter into a season of quiet, still, dependence on the Lord, he was there.
And I remember the darkness of all that filled that “surrender season,” almost one year ago, when my heart began to quiet, as I wandered away from the Lord because I simply couldn’t pray anymore. In all the doubting of his goodness, losing sight of his grace and wondering how he could really love me if he allowed this suffering to happen. But, it was from the depths of the valley, that I learned the language of lament, as I cried out to the Lord with every ounce of the doubt, grief, heartache and despair. As those tears streamed down my face, and I wondered that very question, why would God… he was still there.
That prayer of pain, as I laid it all out to the Lord became the catalyst for hope, as he used my grief as a platform for his grace to wash over my soul and saturate my mind with the promise of his goodness again. And he reminded me that he is still good, even when the circumstance is not.
This infertility is not good, the miscarriage you’ve walked through is not good, the diagnosis you’ve received is not good, all the brokenness of this world is not good. But God is still good, even when our circumstance is not. And in his goodness, God can only ever cause what is good. And while he may allow for this suffering, it is not caused by God, for all of this brokenness, heartache, grief and despair was never in his good and perfect creation of this world, but as a result when sin entered the world. For now, we are living in a fallen world, but we have hope, because heaven is our home. And when that day comes, only goodness will reign forevermore.
“When we don’t know the why, we trust in the who, and he is good.”
And in our story, I will continue to declare of his goodness, grace and steadfast love as he has faithfully lead us through the valley. But now, I am beginning to see glimpses of the story he was writing all along.
What seemed like suffering through years of waiting has surrendered my heart to the Lord in a way I’ve never known before. And because of this love I’ve come to know, I wouldn’t trade any of this waiting, wondering and asking why, because this is our purpose, to know the heart of God and too long for his heart more than any other thing in this world. I have seen his goodness in spite of all that is not good, taken hold of the gift of his grace that has continued to wash over my soul and come to know the steadfast love of God like never before, and I trust in the story that he is writing in our lives.
In our story, the call to surrender everything to the Lord, has given way to the calling that God has placed on our life, in the gift of adoption. All along, when we didn’t know the why, we kept trusting in the who, and in his grace, he has begun to unfold glimpses of our why, that all this waiting, heartache, grief and despair was worth it, because in his kindness and steadfast love, he was making a way for the story that was yet to come.
Learn about our adoption story here.
As we continue to walk in the waiting, we believe that God knows the why, and because of this, we trust in the who.
In the valley, circumstance or season that you are walking through, God sees you and I believe that he is reaching out his nail-scarred hands in the depths of his love for you. He knows every ounce of the heartache and holds every ounce of your grief. He hears the cry of your heart and his response will always be, “I am with you.” When you don’t know the why in your story, we can still trust in the who. He is unwavering in his goodness, filled with grace and mercy, and will continue chasing after your heart and pouring out his steadfast love on you.
“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”
Ephesians 3:20-21
