Take Hold: An Invitation to Trust God through Infertility

As I write these words, my hope and prayer is that our story is the evidence of God’s steadfast love, a reminder of His constant presence and an invitation to take hold of His faithful promises in every waiting season.

It’s been a year since we began our infertility journey – a year filled with praying, waiting and longing for another baby and a year of holding the weight of grief, heartache and despair. And with these words, we are still in that waiting season, our hearts still yearning for a beautiful baby and praying fervently for that sweet miracle to come. With every month of waiting, we have felt the deepest aches of confusion, frustration, numbness, desperation and despair. But, our God is near to the brokenhearted, our comfort in every season, and through it all, He has been faithful and His promises remain.

We have hope in the Savior.

At the beginning of this journey, just a few months into this waiting season, God spoke these words and laid the most beautiful vision on my heart that have become a constant reminder, drawing my heart back to Him through all the heartache that this year would bring.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Psalm 23

And as He spoke those words over my heart, drawing me back to the faithful promise of His comfort and guidance, tears streamed down my face. In His grace, He set this vision before me –

There I was, standing on a hilltop, looking down over the darkest valley that lie in the canyon ahead. As I looked into the valley, all I could see were the steep cliffs on either side and a long, narrow path that led down into darkness. While the valley was covered in complete darkness, I remember a hue of golden light, far off in the distance, as I saw a glimpse of the sun peeking through the valley on the other side. And as the enemies of fear, heartache and despair gripped my heart, knowing that the only way I could go was into that dark valley that lie ahead, He was there. And in that vision, He looked back at me, with tears falling down His face as He wept with our sorrow. He reached out His nail-scarred hand, marked with His steadfast love and He said, “I am with you” as He invited me to take hold.

When God laid that vision on my heart, it was just days after finding out that it would be yet another month of longing for another sweet babe, and little did we know, there would still be a year of waiting that lie ahead.

As we’ve spent the last year waiting and longing, our lament has become our worship as God has drawn our hearts to cling to His heart in our deepest ache. In every ounce of the confusion, frustration, numbness, desperation and despair, He has led us to hold fast to the steadfast love of our Savior. He has shown us that His heart is simply for us to come – in our questioning, as our hearts begin to wander, when we are failing to trust Him and even when all hope is lost, in every ounce of our heartache, He has never stopped reaching out His hand, he is inviting us to take hold. 

We’ve cried out in our deepest despair – “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) and “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1). But, in His kindness, month after month, He has faithfully led us back to hope again. Even when our hearts have struggled to believe, He has drawn us back to the belief that we are noticed, seen, remembered and not forgotten, because “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18) and when He sees our pain and brokenness, He weeps.

Even though we are still walking through the darkest valley, we will fear no evil, because He is with us. When fear and feelings have gripped our hearts, the truth of who God is and what He’s done has become our song. We have seen the evidence that God will always show up when we ask Him to come, He will hold our hearts when our world feels like it’s falling apart and He will speak into the heartache, longing, grief and despair, because He is a faithful God. And because we have a good and faithful God, we will choose to take hold and praise him, forever. 

While we don’t have the answers, we have a good and faithful God.

With every month has come the same and ever changing circumstance, from hope to waiting to despair, but the character of God has remained constant. In every moment and every step of this journey, He has been faithful to reach out His hand. And every time we choose to take hold, as we lay down our hopes, dreams and longings at the cross, we always receive His heart and faithful promises, again and again.

As we are still seeking Him in this waiting season and have felt Him calling us to take the next steps in our infertility journey, God in his grace brought that same vision back to mind, but this time with hope and belief rewriting the story of the promise to come, as He spoke the words, “turn around” over that same vision.

And as I saw that vision, but this time from the other side of the canyon, I saw the light illuminating the darkness. I saw that steep incline that we’d been climbing to finally reach the top. I saw all the beautiful landscape of green pastures and quiet waters that were along the path the whole time. I saw the fullness of beauty as the shepherd led us on along the right path for His name’s sake.  I saw this hope and promise written all over the story, “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Behold, the light has come. This is the hope we now hold, that one day, we will be looking back on this dark valley, hand-in-hand with the Savior, our good shepherd and faithful guide, but from the other side. And as we have walked through this dark valley and up the mountain, we will look back and gaze upon this valley and only see light. We believe that beauty, restoration and hope will paint the darkness with His glorious light. We may never know the why, but we can trust that “He has led us along the right path for His name’s sake,” and to Him be the glory, forever and ever, amen.  As I thank God for this vision, that we are never left in the darkness, that every path will lead to glorious light, we have hope that one day, we will reach that mountaintop again.

While praying, waiting and longing for another baby, and it’s felt like months of heartache, exhaustion and uphill battles, we continue to press on in this waiting season, clinging to the hope we have in Him with this as our prayer –

We praise you for your steadfast love and faithfulness,

Our good shepherd when the darkness closes in.

In our confusion, let your light be our guide.

In our frustration, remind us of your mercy and grace.

In our numbness, grip our hearts with your love.

In our longing, cause our cup to overflow.

In our heartache, draw us into your presence.

In our despair, lead us back to your promise, again.

Our hope is in you.

In whatever season this finds you in, my hope and prayer is that this is the evidence of God’s steadfast love, a reminder of His constant presence and an invitation to take hold of His faithful promises in every waiting season.